Grief and Devastation

Love.

What is love? It is not something tangible or substantial. It cannot be seen nor felt physically and you sometime wonder if it even exists. It is something hard to understand, to comprehend, and yet it encompasses all of us in different ways.
It is easy to say that you love someone but to really show it in deed and acts is another thing that most of us do not achieve.

I discovered that we are all so very wrapped up in ourselves that we selfishly do not consider others, what they might be needing or thinking, even when we claim that we love them. We only look out for ourselves at the expense of our loved ones.
So I have halted myself and contemplated this fact. Is my love I claim for my family in earnest? You tend to take advantage of their love for you and in your selfish state squelch it and step all over it in your own self-pursuits. You have the mindset that their love will always be there for you and never vanish so you naturally forget about the special fact that they love you and care for you.

That is...until their gone. Then your mind continually brings back memories of their kindness and care despite your selfishness and how you in return gave them...nothing.
These are dreary and disheartening words but they are the truth.
The reason for all my melancholy is because I have (I am ashamed to admit) experienced this. I am guilty of this wrongdoing and there is nothing now that I can do to mend the way I have acted.

I am heartbroken and saddened beyond words and this knowledge only adds to my grief.
My despair is great dwelling upon the fact that I shall never be capable of returning those years of love that I have ungratefully received and that thought alone I cannot bear.
You will not understand my full meaning I suppose, unless I tell you the cause of my sadness.

I have received a letter. The outside looks like any other insignificant letter but the story it told inside was a whole different matter.
It came from Christian Bentione, Lennox’s first mate and a loyal companion on board The Ruler, Lennox’s prized vessel.

He relayed that there was a sea battle in the Arctos ocean amidst a terrible storm.  Two enemy ships that belonged to Wilson, a long time enemy of Agmar and of anyone who opposes his power, attacked Lennox’s vessel.
They saw the two ships on the horizon and one drew closer to attack, wrote Christian. He said that a well placed cannon ball was sent into their powder keg and immediately it exploded into a million pieces.
The rain came in torrents and the waves foamed and threatened to overturn their ship with their violent rushing. Lightening cracked the sky with a brilliant light and sent a thunderous rumble that shook the timbers of the vessel. But the other ship was relentless in it’s pursuit of Lennox.
Wilson’s ship circled around behind them at a distance and seemed to wait.
Christian writes that they assumed Wilson’s ship would attack at dawn and so in attempt to not alarm them that Lennox knew of their presence they preceded to keep their lanterns lit as if nothing was amiss while secretly they let out a dingy behind them with a rope tied to the ship.
They used the rope to climb down to the dingy and watch the enemy ship without the interference of the light that The Ruler produced.
And they waited.

Their estimation was correct. At dawn, when the sun had barely risen above the eastern horizon, the enemy battleship unfurled their canvas and sped toward The Ruler with intent to sink.
The events that followed were typical of a sea battle and yet the consequences were significant.
One could not tell the difference between the thunder and the rumble of a cannon as it exploded with a deadly projectile, the first mate wrote. And the two opposing forces fired upon each other with ferocity until one of Wilson’s hit their mark. It embedded the ammunition of the cannon into the side of The Ruler, the impact against the hull of the vessel exploded the side into pieces and rocked the ship so violently that my brother, who was on the poop deck issuing orders, was thrown overboard.

Christian was on the quarterdeck at the time and saw as he was hurled overboard. The waves roared and rose several feet above Lennox’s head before dropping and enclosing him in their icy grip. It was a few seconds and then his head reappeared in the dark foamy turbulence and Christian yelled for the crew to throw him a rope.
Another wave was coming and Lennox had only enough time to grab a hold of the dingy that had been torn from it’s lodgings and pull himself into it.
The wave collapsed and before the men could arrive with the rope Lennox was forced out into the sea by the effects of it.
Christian wrote that it would have been in vain to try to throw a rope to him because he was already too far out for it to be of any use and they could not at this point go after him since the battle against Wilson's ship was still raging on despite the loss of their captain.

He was distraught and at a loss on what action to take as he watched his captain and emperor in a small boat drifting out into the fierce, open sea. The rain poured down upon him and soon a wave curled up and dissolved any view he had of him.

My heart lodged in my throat as I read this and for a moment I was frozen, feeling as if I could not breath and that the whole world had collapsed on me. How could this be?
Lennox, lost in the sea? The letter drifted from my hand onto the floor below as I dropped to the couch.
My dear, dear brother! My only brother! All since childhood everything we had done had been with each other.

 He taught me how to shoot the bow and crossbow, showed me how to use the broadsword, and influenced me with a love of adventure.
He had been the one that always brightened my mood when I was unhappy and brought cheer to my heart when he arrived back home from one of his conquests.

Lennox was the only one that understood me and when I was upset and needed to tell someone he was always there to listen.
My heart squeezes so hard that I feel I cannot go on, and my eyes flood with tears at these painful memories.
Who will listen to me now? Who will make me smile in all my distress?
I do not think I shall ever be happy again. Not when my heart is so broken. I cannot bear someone else leaving me.
First Mother and Father and now my brother. I feel so alone, so cold and yet there is a numbness where I cannot feel a thing. I cannot bear it nor accept the fact but it stares me in the face.
My prayers have been constant, asking God to help me, to strengthen me, to comfort me because without Him I know I will not last.
Without Him I know I am alone.

So my closing words are these: do not take for granted those around you. Treasure each moment you have together while they are with you because before you know it they could be gone.

-Emerald de Gavrillac
Queen of Krespania

A New Year's Eve Masquerade

The new year is already upon us being the fifth day of January and I can now say I am actually completely rested from the events that transpired on those days of the holidays. I, indeed, spoke of the planned events for Christmas day but I did not explain of the New Year party that was held at the palace of Krespania. So that is what I will write to you about and maybe interest you with the particulars of our lovely gala.

Last Monday the palace of Krespania held it's annual masquerade ball. It is one of the balls that I truly love because each person must be dressed as something or in a certain theme and must have a mask covering at least part of their face. 

My costume this year was a peacock, and I came wearing a vibrant satin blue gown that was pinned up on the right side to reveal a golden layer of material beneath and it included an elegant headdress that represented the arcing feathers that peacocks display, around the back of my head. I admit it was a slight annoyance when I tried to dance with it on but one thing you must remember is that style and fashion in the court is so important that one must grin and bear the worst discomfort for the sake of it. 

The chamber was redecorated for this gala and sported yards of deep royal purple draped across the ceiling from one end to the other with strips of gold intermingled. The chandeliers had trimmings of the same fabric hanging from the arms and decorative gold fruit were the centerpieces of the table. The ballroom had an extra festive appearance to it this year and I enjoyed it immensely.

The party did not begin until I arrived in the room and made the public appearance and then the dancing started and all festivities with it. This is the part my brother hates the most and if he can, leaves to me. It is because he does not like the attention of everyone in the room directed at him in expectation and I can sympathize with him that it is rather uncomfortable but it is to be expected of the royal party therefore it is not something we can avoid.
There were many eyes on me but confidentially only one set of eyes really mattered to me. It was the eyes of a handsome young man who belonged to a noble family of Krespania and was invited to every event that took place at the palace. His name was Alessandro de Garza and we had known each other since I became ruler of Krespania when I was eighteen.
He has dark black hair and warm, caring eyes that rather captivated my attention and proved to be distracting other times. His smile is contagious and his laugh charming. He is always considerate and I cannot think of a more gentlemanly person.
He was waiting on the sidelines for me to pass by and at the soonest available moment asked for my hand in the first dance which I reserved just for that purpose, truth be known.

We moved and swirled to the lovely symphonic melody the orchestra played and glided across the polished marble floors of the room, each of us without a care. I had this bubbly happiness that almost threatened to spill over as we danced and I cannot recall ever having such a feeling before, but it was truly blissful. I knew earlier that day this night would prove to be memorable and it was swiftly becoming more than that. All the people began to dance with their partners after we started but in my eyes it was only the two of us. All alone in the vast wide ballroom.
I suppose it is typical and unoriginal to say such a thing but if you had experienced that moment and been there as I was, you could only describe it as that.
But enough with my sentimental monotony that you must surely be growing tired of. I shall continue to explain the rest of the night.
After dancing we repaired to the feast hall and chatted about all different subjects and topics while we ate until a few minutes before midnight came upon us. Then we returned to the ballroom for punch and more dancing and as it struck twelve Alessandro and I slipped out to the garden as the first of the palace fireworks exploded and lit the sky with a bright sparkle of color before slowly diminishing into the ebony background. There he held my hands and gazed at me, with the colors of the fireworks reflecting in his eyes, and we wished each other a happy new year. There was something that made that night so special and I can almost predict it will be a good year and perhaps...I smile excitedly about this, maybe even include a wedding. Who knows?
Whatever it be I also wish you a happy new year and may you live prosperously in your kingdom or country.

-Emerald de Gavrillac
 Queen of Krespania