Trials and Errors

It is hard to believe that it has been three and a half weeks since I received the letter concerning my brother Lennox, the emperor of Agmar's death; it seems like it has been longer.

The arrangements for his memorial service seemed to take forever, lasting for days, all the while causing me agony and pain beyond words. Though from my fellow mourner's and friends view I suppose I looked only subdued and withdrawn with an aura of sadness overshadowing me but if they knew what I felt inside it would tell a different story. I do not think any one truly knows how I feel. Nor how deep my pain and hurt lies. They give their sympathy but they cannot relate to my feelings; they cannot be experiencing the excruciating misery that pulses through me when I see the words they had written out and were awaiting my approval before engraving them upon my brother's tombstone, nor be feeling the heartache that filled me when I saw The Ruler come into port without a captain guiding it's helm.

My heart is in turmoil and my feelings in a riot but in front of them not a tear came to my eye.

Partly because of my remaining shock of the circumstances that were taking place and the other part because my feelings are better left for the secrecy and solitude of my own private chamber. Before them I severed any ties to emotions and restrained myself so extremely from thinking of anything related to my brother to prevent any outbreaks of tears or weeping in public. Even when I was alone in my own private chamber with my thoughts drifting back to days in the past and I expect the tears to flow they would not. Maybe bridling my emotions for so long had made me insensitive and locked up my heart so tightly that not a thing could bring a tear to form in my eyes. I stood in front of my vanity mirror, staring at my despondent reflection. My feelings were vivid and I felt my sadness keenly but no matter how I hurt, my eyes remained dry and refused to yield to weeping.

That was through the heart of the arrangements though. But soon afterward I was visiting the castle chapel as I do normally the same day every week and the priest must have seen my distress and detected my concealed emotions because he approached me with a comforting gentleness and inquired how I was doing.

He is a kind, elderly man, who's manner is ruled with patience, understanding and wisdom, and his heart filled with a love for serving God. He has been at the chapel for as long as I can remember and in the past he has always made time to listen to me and advise me on both matters of principles and spiritual and I had never had any trouble divulging my thoughts to him. Therefore if anyone in the kingdom could discern between my real affliction and the false facade of being tolerably well it would be him.

We had sat down in one of the pews after sending my ladies-in-waiting away so that I could speak with privacy, and I at once began to share what was on my mind to him.

He took on a quiet attentive manner as I talked and when I finished he remained silent for a minute and pondered the problem.

The priest had much to say in response to my sorrow but one in particular stood out as extremely helpful.

He cautioned me against constraining myself from tears because it was natural and necessary for proper healing and that I should not keep them bottled up as I had previously. My hurt would heal and slowly wan in the future but it would take time.

The priest then listed a few verses from the Bible that he thought would help. And since then I keep those verses close to my heart and whenever I have days when I am depressed and dispirited I read over them and receive comfort amid cloudy days when the sun does not shine.

One of them that I treasure is Psalm 94:18-19:

“If I say, “My foot slips,”
Your mercy, O Lord, will hold me up.
In the multitude of my anxieties within me,
Your comforts delight my soul.”

God's Word is a balm to my open wound, soothing and healing the most festering hurt. In verses like these I take comfort in. They remind me that God is right alongside me through all my pain and that He cares for me and will not allow anything so big that I cannot bear. Even when I felt so alone passing through these trials I know, now especially, that I was never alone. When the rain poured down and I felt like I could not remain standing any longer I know He was there beside me, holding me up.

He will keep my feet from falling and one day by His guidance I will reemerge from this dark cavern I seem to have fallen in and enter into the bright light of day.

The tears do not come as often now, and I do not attempt to restrain them any longer. But I must confess that certain times they do rush back and as a flood. Such as last week when I was calmly working my tapestry that I have regretfully neglected for a long time now. All at once I noticed the particular color I was using was the very same shade of turquoise blue that Lennox favored and the hollow pit in my heart was felt distinctively, as the tears in my eyes were also. I would not admit it to myself nor my lady-in-waiting, Meredith, who sat opposite of me on the other settee working on her own tapestry, but I insisted that my eyes were tiring from the dimness of the light that the candles were producing.

Then another time came when I was alone in the sitting room, reading and I heard someone arrive and then a deep voice talking in the entry hall. Instantly my heart leaped and the thought raced through my mind that it was my brother! I rushed to the hall only to find my longtime friend Alessandro, relinquishing his cavalier hat to the servant. I do not mean to imply that I was disappointed in his coming to visit me because I enjoyed his company tremendously and it was a much needed relief from my loneliness but you can understand my crestfallen reaction.

There are many of such episodes but I would not want to bore you with my monotonous details so I shall only state those above.

But do not worry for me friend, I am beginning to act like myself more each day and I take courage that it will not be long before I come into the light of day again and hopefully having learned a life lesson or two. But until then I am just taking everything a day at a time, not looking anxiously into the future, nor regretting past deeds, and learning more fully every day how to rely on God.

Your prayers are still much coveted, dear friend.

-Emerald de Gavrillac

Queen of Krespania